A Stimulus to Make the Most Productive Use of Radio

by Kurt Schwitters

This treatise was written by Mr. N. N. in year 1934. We make this known
here with all the reservations. 

It was known that the strongest man in the wolrld was planning to broadcast
over the radio. No more radio receivers were available even eight days
prior to the event because of the extraordinarily strong interest in his
lecture. Young girls were hustling and bustling up and down the street, and
the place was frequented by peddlers who were hawking receivers at
exorbitant prices. I myself saw a poor, somewhat older young girl wandering
up and down the street in confusion. She begged everyone for alms so that
she also could afford a receiver for herself, if only for five minutes. And
now the hour was fast approaching - the momentous hour when the strongest
man in the wolrd was going to broadcast loud and clear over the radio. I
wanted to go to the movies in the evening, and I sought a young girl to
accompany me. But it seemed as if everything had been bewitched. When I did
actually see one, it turned out that 10 men were talking to her at once,
and she said simply: "Today, it seems as if I had the courage for Tamerlane
-- just a little bit of Tamerlane. Yes. Tamerlane would be great." Or she
said: "Get lost! Go away! You ain't got no chance", because the strongest
man in the world would broadcast at nice o'clock today. 
       And it was uncannily quiet at the hour when the strongest man in the
world
was to broadcast over the radio. Shortly thereafter, I saw the most
beautiful round-dance on the streets performed by women, virgins, and
grandmothers who were adorned as though they were going to a wedding feast,
as though they were getting up from an expensive wedding feast. Jubilation
reigned everywhere -- an unparalleled jubilation, a jubilation that swept
into itself, calmer that on a mild night in May. By the way, the same
phenomena were reported by all known journalists throughout the entire
world and in all known places -- from Chicago to Peking, from the North
Pole to the Cape of Good Hope, from the Meuse to the Memel Rivers.
       Now, on the very next day, the news circulated in the press that the
athlete Mr. Soandso had not broadcast over the radio that evening because
he had felt out of sorts suddenly. His little brother, the well-known
Liliputian Mr. Suchandsuch, had broadcast over the radio in his place. This
was an awful disappointment. there was not one eye that remained free of
tears. It was simply to terrible. All women of all nations sobbed in a
heartbreaking manner. Of what help could it be for all those who were
cursing and pulling out their hair when faced with the naked thruth that,
in place of the strongest man, his brother had broadcast over the radio? Of
what help could it be when it was announced that the strongest man in the
world would broadcast over the radio tomorrow? There was just no sense of
urgency anymore. 
       Incidentally, it also did not matter much anymore because the
strongest
man in the world was murdered by a suffragette on that very day. A short
and satisfied sigh of relief followed the first wave of disappointment. But
then, nince full months of sorrow and grief enveloped the entire world.
And, when the nince months were over, a horrible day arrived. I wanted to
go to the movies again and bring along a girl to serve as my companion, but
there were only children and very, very small girls. And the late evening
hours were so full of pain that no one in the entire world could pick up
anything on the radio on account of the noise. In this way, a splendid
sermon that should have been disseminated via radio that very evening by
Pastor Animus on the spread of sexual diseases was lost amid the general
level of groans and cries. At first, I did not know what was wrong because
there was nothing posted other than the announcement of Animus's sermon.
But I read reports in the newspaper from all over that it would be a
difficult night for women. And, on another morning, there were these birth
announcements! Just like all the marriages at Easter time. The world had
never seen anything like this before. I knew of no woman, no young or older
girl, who did not give birth to a strapping little dwarf at exatly nine
o'clock. It was exactly that sort of precision work for which the Germans
are renowned. Strange, all dwarves -- *all* dwarves -- and all the women
had been bitten in the leg by the little stork by means of an electronic
wave transmission. The next morning, there was dementia in the papers. The
report that the strongest man had been out of sorts at that time was a
hoax. In this simple way, the strongest man would have hoped yet again to
have an audience for his lecture. But it was now too late, and it didn't
help anymore. The children had all become dwarves, and they remained so.
How the beloved imagination works!
	Printing mistakes: Of course, it ought to say "should."

[Translated by Louis P. Kaplan]
pasted from: Radiotext(e), Neil Strauss, Dave Mandl, New York 1993

---

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